M8sHere's to your mates

Real or fair-weather?

Signs of true friendship

Anyone can like your holiday photos. Here is how to spot the ones who would help you carry the suitcase, and a few quieter signs that a friendship might need a rethink.

There is no official test for a true friend, and every friendship is different. Some of your closest mates might be terrible at texting back but brilliant in a crisis. Others will send you a card every birthday for thirty years but never quite get deep. Both can be real. Still, some signs crop up again and again when people describe the friendships that matter most to them.

15 signs you've got a proper mate

  1. You can do nothing together

    Heartfelt

    Sitting on the sofa half-watching telly, both on your phones, not saying much. With a real mate that's not awkward, it's lovely.

  2. Silences are comfortable

    Heartfelt

    You don't feel the need to fill every gap. You can drive for an hour with the radio on and it still counts as quality time.

  3. They're happy when things go well for you

    Heartfelt

    A new job, a new relationship, a win. A true friend is properly pleased, not quietly competitive.

  4. You can be honest with each other

    They'll tell you when you're wrong and you can tell them too, and the friendship survives it.

  5. They keep your secrets

    What you told them in confidence stays there. You have never heard your own news back from someone else.

  6. You pick up where you left off

    Heartfelt

    Six months without seeing each other and within ten minutes it's like no time has passed.

  7. They know your "I'm fine" voice

    And they know when it means "I'm not fine, please ask again".

  8. It feels roughly balanced

    Not tit for tat, but over time you both give, both listen and both make the effort to meet up.

  9. They respect your "no"

    Can't make it? Skint this month? Need an early night? A true mate doesn't guilt-trip you.

  10. They've seen you at your worst

    Funny but true

    Ill, heartbroken, hungover or all three at once. They stuck around. They may also have photos.

  11. You laugh at the same stupid things

    Funny but true

    Sometimes you can't even explain why something is funny. You just look at each other and that's it, gone.

  12. They defend you when you're not there

    You find out months later that they stuck up for you. They never even mentioned it.

  13. They make an effort with your people

    They're nice to your partner, your mum, your nervous rescue dog. They get that your life comes as a package.

  14. You feel better after seeing them

    Heartfelt

    Not drained, not judged, not smaller. Lighter.

  15. They apologise, and so do you

    Friends fall out. True friends say sorry, mean it and move on without keeping a ledger.

Gentle red flags

None of these on their own means someone is a bad person or a bad friend. Everyone has off patches. But if several of them are true, consistently, it might be worth asking whether the friendship is working for you.

Worth noticing

  • You always organise; if you stopped, you'd never hear from them.
  • They only get in touch when they need something.
  • Your good news gets a flat response or gets turned into their story.
  • You feel anxious or worse about yourself after seeing them.
  • Things you shared privately keep getting passed on.
  • Jokes at your expense go on after you've asked them to stop.

What you can do

  • Name it kindly: "I miss hearing from you, I feel like I'm always the one who texts."
  • Step back a bit and see what happens. Sometimes people step up.
  • Consider what's going on for them. Stress, illness and big life changes can make people withdraw.
  • Put more energy into the friendships that give back.
  • It's OK to let a friendship fade. That's not failure; it's just life.
If a friendship involves control, threats, or you feel afraid of someone, that's not a friendship problem to fix on your own. Talk to someone you trust, or call Samaritans free on 116 123 any time to talk things through. In an emergency, call 999.

And are you a true friend?

This is the uncomfortable flip side. Most of us, reading a list like the one above, can think of a mate we have been a bit rubbish with lately. The good news is that friendship is forgiving. A message that says "sorry I've been useless, I've missed you" works far more often than people expect.

Want to put your mate knowledge to the test? Try our How well do you know your best mate? quiz, or read the things only a best mate would know.